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This is Why Letting You go Was so Hard For Me

Being honest about holding onto someone like you is hard. You weren’t good for me, you treated me in a way no one deserved to be treated, and yet I still had the hardest time letting you go.

It was hard not just because I love you and wanted things to work, but because I got comfortable. It was hard not just because we had been together for such a long time but because I had lost everyone in my life for you. It was hard because without you I didn’t know who I was and I was so lost. I thought that without you I was nothing.

And yes, that’s terrible to think, but also, it’s terrible to feel. I was in such a dark place and you knew that. You knew you had torn me down to a person who wasn’t me. You knew I was wanting you back and waiting for you. You knew that you had full control over my feelings and you used it to your advantage.

It took me so long to get over you because of the way you had manipulated me. It took me so long to let you go because I was in an abusive relationship that took me away from everyone I loved and I was afraid to go back and say, “you were right”.

It took me so long to move on because for some reason I let someone control who I was. I allowed you to hurt me, change me, and crush every part of me. And this was all my fault.

I could blame you for everything you did. I could hold that hate and anger you caused me over your head but it wouldn’t help me and it didn’t. What did help me was being honest about where I was. I needed to accept that you had broken me and that you were gone.

But for the rest of my life, you were going to try to play a yo-yo game with my emotions.

And I needed to stop that. I needed to stand up for myself no matter how comfortable you were, even with how terrible you were. I needed to let you go because the pain of holding on was only hurting me, not you.

And I finally did. I finally was able to gain the strength and leave our relationship in the past. I was able to look in the mirror and see the strong independent woman I was from before we met. And that moment was such an emotional moment for me. It reminded me what I had lost when I decided you were worth it.

I regret that decision, because it set me back on my own personal growth, not because of you. But now that it is over, I have become so much stronger and that is important. Every mistake we make in life changes us, but this made me better.

So thank you for causing me the life-changing pain you did, because even though letting you go was hard, I came out so much stronger.

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